I have tried to write here countless times in the last few weeks, each time making my way through only a few sentences before deciding to stop. Maybe words aren't enough. Or maybe I just can't find the right ones. Either way, I feel stuck on a page on which I have so much to say but no way to say it.
I haven't been sleeping well for months, probably since I came back from leave. Something about that quick taste of normalcy and comfort refuses to be suppressed. This must be good, I think. Even when I can sleep, I find myself dreaming slightly modified scenarios of what I usually experience throughout a regular day. These include - walking around on the base, doing work in my office, eating repetitive meals, occasionally going on a patrol, maybe drinking coffee, or some combination of these. Consequently, I often feel as if I haven't slept at all, since my dream reality and real reality are nearly identical (maybe in the dream world I get two cups of coffee!).
It's almost over. My life is about to enter a period of wonderful transition, and yet I can't help but wonder what it's all been worth. At the end, I will have spent almost a full year of my life in this place, and I struggle with the meaning and purpose of it all. When I joined the Army, this is what I wanted. I wanted to come to Afghanistan and experience conflict. I thought it was the right thing to do, the right place to be. But after so many months staring it in the face, I'm struck with the sobering thought that I never found what I was looking for.
For almost a year I have been stuck in time, perhaps relativistically, moving only slowly as the rest of the world continues at a frantic pace forward. I am Gregor Samsa, minus the whole cockroach bits. Everything else transforms and changes its seasons as I walk the same path of rocks and dirt and gaze at the same distant dark mountains. For others - babies have been conceived and born, relationships ended and begun, troubles encountered and forgotten, obstacles overcome, demons exorcised, families reconciled, countries changed, homes lost, redemption found, acceptance, rejection, and life in general doing what it typically does for those who live it.
A year is a long time to wait for life to start again. But start again it will.
Indeed, start again it will ... I can relate!
ReplyDeleteCaptain Dave,
ReplyDeleteI am an old retired SFC who coming back from Viet Nam on a stretcher 40 years ago, still couldn't wait for the time of my DEROS, just didn't want to get hurt as I did in the last week. We have had similar discussions with ourselves, dreaming about home, pushing oneself on those last patrols and knowing it will be better, but understanding it will not be the same. I applaud you in your sharing with others through this thing and you will find it takes time to readjust, but then it will be a memory that has special meaning and one you share with similar friends, many years from now and remember the most as a pleasant now unpleasant experience as the bad fades and the good is easily recalled.
By the way, thank you for your service.
I have a friend that served in the military and she told me about a website that offers special discounts for military families. What I found surprising was that it not only offers discounts through national companies, they had local restaurants and merchants that offered great deals, some were owned by vets. They also had news, some hilarious jokes, information for people interested in joining the military and so much more! Has anyone else seen this sight and have you gone to some of the businesses listed. Please let me know. The website is: mymilitarypages.com
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